Letting go of your ex
Talking to my clients, I soon found that one of the issues that impacted their lives, and was putting brakes on their happiness and opportunity for personal growth, was the unhealthy attachment to their ex…
To understand how to let go of an ex, you first need to understand why it is so hard for some individuals.
To begin, we have to understand the workings of the heart; but not in a physical sense.
Letting go of your ex following a breakup can be one of the most emotionally challenging and frustrating experiences you can face, and it is important that you give yourself time to work through this and heal. Trying to ‘put it behind you and move on’ (the advice that some people will give you when you tell them of the break-up) will never end well.
Also, please know that putting your ex firmly in the past is almost impossible to achieve without decisive and positive action. The ‘time will heal’ phrase, in isolation, doesn’t apply here I am afraid.
The simple and complicated truth is this: Once your heart deeply connects with another person, it can be very difficult to let them go. So difficult, in fact, that even if you know they’re not the right person for you, you still hang on because the depth of connection is so strong.
Signs that you are unhealthily tethered to your ex…
- It’s like groundhog day..the moment you open your eyes in the morning you remember they have gone; then your brain replays the pain of the break-up and you start to entertain the most destructive thought …’what’s wrong with me?’
- You find yourself endlessly scrolling through social media trying to find out where they are, what are they are doing and who is with them, which occupies every minute of your day and affects your sleep, mood and mental health.
- You try to have breakfast but the knot in your stomach means you feel sick and you go to work exhausted, as it took hours to go to sleep last night as you replayed the day they said they were leaving…
- Finding yourself having to hide away at home missing parties and meals out with what used to be ‘mutual’ friends in case your ex is there; or cutting ties with your social circle completely despite them being a really important part of your life and support system. Resulting in you not only feeling heartbroken but now isolated and lonely.
- Wasting precious time pining over your past love and turning down opportunities to find new and exciting relationships due to feeling tied to the past and constantly comparing new possible relationships to your ex.
How to start to cut this destructive tether and to start letting go of your ex.
There ARE ways to ensure that the ex is once and for all evicted PERMANENTLY from your brain, leaving you to move on fearlessly and with unbreakable confidence; ready to welcome new experiences and relationships free of that destructive tether.
I am sure that you already realise and know intellectually that the relationship is done, and that they don’t deserve you, however despite this you just can’t seem to be able to cut those ties (I understand this as I was one of those women after my separation from my husband).
If this is resonating with you and you are someone who is looking for ways to move on, enabling you to regain your happiness and find love again, read on:
So where do I start?
As a Life Coach I am more than happy to support you on this journey and take you step by step through all of the below and more, but if you are not at that stage yet, here are some questions for you to ask yourself and some hints and tips to help you on your way…
1/ Find love within yourself. You need to take the time to invest in learning how to love yourself again after a breakup. Even if you think this isn’t needed and you have all the confidence in the world, don’t overlook this step. Your love and acceptance of yourself will keep you grounded as you begin to break those ties with your ex. You will have moments of wanting to go back to them; however strong you feel your resolve is. We all have emotionally weak moments and in these moments you must call upon your strength within. Without it, it’s going to be very difficult to say goodbye emotionally.
2/ Take a moment to put things in perspective. I am sure that it feels as though the world just ended and you cannot see a future without them. However, you were a whole, healthy, happy individual before you met them and you will be again. You just need to put a little work in on your personal development and you can come out stronger and more resilient having grown and developed as a person from this experience.
3/ Grieve. Although it may be the last thing you want to do, feeling and paying attention to your emotions is integral to letting go of an ex. Do not try to control them, if you need to cry, then cry. A relationship breakup can be as devastating as a bereavement so PLEASE BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Don’t try to stick on a smile, tell the world you ‘are fine and you didn’t like them anyway’ as this will just result in you receiving no support and not allow you the time to heal and recover.
Do, however, consider why you are so desperately bereft and lost by the break up of the relationship. It may well be that you loved them completely and the breakup was a complete surprise, which can be the case. However, also consider the possibility that you knew it was doomed but couldn’t face the hassle of a break-up and just let it carry on hurtling towards its demise. If so, why did you not feel that you could address this sooner and express your feelings? Use this time of self-reflection as a learning curve for the future and a springboard to your personal development. There is no time limit for you to heal and be able to move on again, so do not put pressure on yourself, or allow anyone else to either.
4/ Try to think of this as a beginning (to the next chapter in your life) and not an ending. However hard it seems in this moment, try to think of the opportunities that this experience may open up to you, the doors that will open rather than those that are now shut. You know you are capable of loving and being loved and you are capable of doing this again.
5/ Learn from the experience to save you heartache in the future. You will need to take the time to really sit down and analyse (not dwell) what went wrong with the relationship and own your part in the break-up. Unless you do this, you will not learn from it or be able to take these lessons into the next one.
This can be difficult and where a Life Coach can come into their own… taking responsibility and owning your mistakes (where appropriate) is never an easy thing to do and not a conversation you may necessarily want to have with family and friends. Another flaw with this is that your family and friends will instantly take your side and tell you what you want to hear, not necessarily help you analyse what may have gone wrong within the dynamics of your relationship.
6/ Start to imagine your next partner before they arrive. As mentioned above, when you are ready to move forward into a new relationship, without completing some soul searching and self-analysis, you can find yourself stuck in a cycle of online dating and disappointing relationships due to your unwanted obsession with letting go of your ex and not having taken on any of the lessons learned.
Rushing into another relationship to try to ‘dull the pain’ can result in more heartache or you ‘settling’, as you think it’s better to be with someone rather than being alone. Also, you are in danger of ignoring the ‘red flags’ that you really know should make you run for the hills.
However weird it may seem to you now, the best way to let go of an ex and a relationship that’s over, is to imagine your next partner before they arrive. It’s much easier to leave behind a relationship when you have something better to look forward to. It may seem the least of your worries right now, but it’s true.
Ask yourself:
- What type of person do I want to be with? DON’T compromise!!!! Are they compatible with your personal values? DO NOT head for a clone of your ex!!
- How do I want them to make me feel?
- What do I want from this relationship? Start to think about setting boundaries from the off and sticking to them.
- How is the relationship going to be different from this?
Then, when you get a clear picture of this person, fantasise and don’t limit your wants and wishes. You should now be looking at living your BEST LIFE with NO LIMITS. Imagining how good your next relationship will be will make it easier for you to let go of the past. We all deserve to be in relationships that feel good to us.
As a Coach, I ask my clients to complete a vision board that will let your unconscious create your ideal partner and future (they can be used in many different areas and led to me now working from a Caribbean island rather than my desk in the UK but that’s another story!).
Start letting go of your ex today.
So, if any of the points above are resonating with you, don’t delay, get those metaphorical ‘scissors’ out, cut those ties and start the journey to peaceful nights and anxiety and stress-free days, knowing that you now have the added benefit of ensuring that history won’t repeat itself due to your unbreakable confidence and newfound resilience.
The process of letting go is hard, and you’ve likely struggled. You know you’re ready to let go, and trust me, you can.
Go easy on yourself and stay the course. Keep working on all of the above. These steps will help you say goodbye to the person you once loved and say hello to the next love of your life. And in addition to learning to let go of your ex, make sure you go through the whole process of getting over a breakup and give yourself time to do this.
If you want to discuss this further please use the book a call button and access a short video where I will introduce myself and tell you a little of what you will experience on the totally free breakthrough call.
https://ownyourbestlife.uk/booking/1127
I have also created a no-cost webinar that explains exactly how my clients looking for authentic, long-lasting relationships, left those past hurts behind and went on to find love on their terms using the ‘LIONESS POWER’ system which you can access RIGHT NOW by clicking on the link below:
https://ownyourbestlife.uk/webinar/lead/1127
Love and my best wishes, Jayne x
